How to Set Boundaries with an Alcoholic
Do you Live with Verbal, Emotional or Psychological Abuse?
Mar 31, 2009
Whether or not the alcoholic continues to drink, there are steps that family members can take to protect themselves from verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. Taking these steps is generally called “setting boundaries”. Here are some suggestions for setting healthy boundaries if you live in such a household.
Setting Boundaries to Protect Yourself from Verbal Abuse
According to members of Al-Anon, a Twelve-Step recovery program for families and friends of alcoholics, verbally abusing others is just one of the avoidance tactics used by alcoholics when they don’t want to look at themselves. You are in no way required to listen. But since most physical abuse begins with verbal abuse, it is a good idea to let an alcoholic know that you will not tolerate unacceptable behavior.
If an alcoholic calls you filthy names or curses you, your first priority is to control your own emotions. Do not under any circumstances let your fear or anger or hurt be known. Tell yourself that you will feel your feelings later, but make every effort to remain calm on the surface during the tirade. Take notes on paper if it will help you think of yourself as a newspaper reporter gathering facts for an article. If you can stay outwardly calm, it will help to defuse the situation.
Do not argue back, but do not refuse to talk at all, either. Make your limits clear, with matter-of-fact statements such as “if you keep cursing me, I’m going to stop doing your shopping” or “if you call me one more name, I’m going to leave town for a week” or something similar. Don’t make threats you won’t carry out. This is a very important factor in setting boundaries and a cornerstone in the Al-Anon program.
Finally, realize that one incidence of setting a boundary will not usually stop the verbal abuse. You must be consistent, setting the same boundary many times, before the typical alcoholic will begin to understand that you mean business.
Setting Boundaries to Stop Emotional and Psychological Abuse
If your alcoholic intimidates or threatens you, if you feel you must walk on eggshells to stay in the relationship, if you are often interrupted or ignored, or if you are denied when you need to talk or be nurtured, you are probably being emotionally abused.
When an alcoholic refuses to take his eyes off a television or computer while you talk, for example, your first priority is to ask for attention while you speak. Tell yourself that you deserve respect and are entitled to it. If your alcoholic continues to ignore you or begins to threaten or intimidate you, set your limits as described in the section above. Make statements such as “if you won’t look at me while I’m talking, I’ll stop answering your questions no matter what you ask me” or “if you threaten me one more time, I’m going to protect myself by reporting your threats to the police”. Remember it is very important to follow through on the consequences you set, and that it will take many repetitions before your alcoholic will begin to notice that you’ve changed.
Setting boundaries is hard work. It takes patience, self-knowledge and persistence. Al-Anon can help you as you learn to set boundaries. Go to meetings, read the literature, and get a sponsor. Eventually you will regain your self-esteem, whether or not the alcoholic continues to abuse you verbally, emotionally or psychologically.
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