Living With a Dry Drunk
Alcoholics Who Stop Drinking Don’t Always Change Their Behavior
Jul 22, 2009
Living with a sober but un-recovered alcoholic is difficult. Those who prayed for the drinking to stop are often surprised to discover that there is no such thing as immediate contented sobriety. Dry drunks continue to act out in manipulative, self-absorbed behavior and neglect or sabotage their relationships.
What Exactly Is a Dry Drunk?
According to Hamilton B. in Getting Started in AA (Hazelden 1995), a dry drunk is a “condition characterized by a return to alcoholic thinking and behavior even though the alcoholic has not yet returned to drinking”. Some common character traits for un-recovered alcoholics are fault-finding, blaming others for everything, grandiosity, self-centeredness and manipulating or trying to control others. These are mental aberrations and are only one element in their many-faceted disease. They are not at fault.
What Happens to Family Members When the Alcoholic Gets Sober?
When an alcoholic sobers up, family members no longer know what to expect. They had probably been praised by their friends for their loyalty and determination to stay with their loved one, and they had completely devoted their lives to the battle with alcohol. Now that the drinking has stopped, the alcoholic is getting praised for not doing something and the husband or other family member feels left out, lonely and confused. The alcoholic still gets all the attention whether or not she is drinking.
Where every waking moment had been previously focused on the alcoholic, now time stretches out endlessly – or at least it feels that way. Where the husband of an alcoholic once had a scapegoat to blame all his problems on, now he must now face up to himself. Without alcohol in the picture to use as a smoke screen, family members and alcoholics alike must learn to face each other squarely and start communicating. This is not an easy task.
Taking the First Step to Recovery
Since alcoholism is a family disease, it is essential for family members to understand that they didn’t cause the alcoholic to get sober, they can’t control whether she stays sober and they can’t cure alcoholism. They can, however, learn some coping skills that will help in their daily lives. Remember that an alcoholic is a person who is mentally ill. Remind yourself frequently, every minute if necessary, that your loved one has a disease and you are powerless over it. You can’t fix it, no matter how hard you try or how “good” you are. Stop trying to manipulate the alcoholic and force solutions to the problem.
Detach From Alcoholic Behavior
What can you do? You can grieve the fact that you didn’t get the fairy-tale life you had dreamed of. You can take a hard look at your own behavior and see what you might have been doing to contribute to an unhealthy atmosphere in your own household. Decide for yourself, with the help of an Al-Anon sponsor or a good friend, exactly which behaviors are “deal-breakers” for you. Then act on those promises to yourself. Al-Anon refers to this as “detaching with love”. Ask your Higher Power to help you see your situation differently and take it one day at a time. Your alcoholic will continue to act out after she quits drinking unless she seeks true recovery in the spiritual program of AA, but if you keep the focus on yourself, decide what your breaking point is, and stop participating in the enabling, it will get better.
Go to Al-Anon Meetings and Work on Yourself
You can find an Al-Anon meeting in your area by clicking here, and you can learn what happens in a typical meeting here. No matter how bad your situation might be, there are people in Al-Anon who understand, and can help you get started in your own journey of recovery.
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