Living With an Alcoholic Who Constantly Blames

Does He Refuse to Take Responsibility for His Own Behavior?

Sep 13, 2009

If you live with an alcoholic who constantly finds somebody else to blame for whatever happens, here are some things you can do to help him take personal responsibility.

Whether an alcoholic is drinking or not, he is often completely oblivious to the fact that he sometimes makes mistakes. The founders of Alcoholics Anonymous realized this, and that’s why Step Four of the AA program (make a searching and moral inventory of oneself) is such a vital part of the process of recovery.

Why Does He Always Blame Others?

Many alcoholics and other dysfunctional individuals grew up in homes where there was little or no opportunity to develop healthy self-esteem. Not believing in their own worth, they became passive observers of life, reacting to others rather than acting on their own behalf. Alcoholics are often intelligent, talented and personable, but unlikely to take much initiative. Blaming is their lazy way of avoiding self-examination.

This behavior in turn leads to a passive-aggressive personality and causes deep-seated anger to manifest itself in classic “poor me” form. According to David Straker, author of Changing Minds: in Detail, “blaming other people and avoiding personal recrimination are very real self-serving attributions”. For a more detailed discussion of the self-centered and self-absorbed alcoholic, read this.

What Can Family Members and Loved Ones Do About It?

Unfortunately, friends and families of alcoholics often participate in the “blame game” without knowing how harmful it is for everybody involved. Most alcoholics are master manipulators, and they deflect attention away from themselves, make excuses for themselves (and thereby give themselves permission to do it again) and slip into the victim role so fast that others are left wondering what happened.

The most important thing you can do if you are constantly being blamed is to stop playing the game. You did not cause the alcoholic to blame you constantly. It is a mental disorder, a common component in the disease of alcoholism. No amount of “behaving properly so you won’t be blamed” will change it, and you cannot cure it. Assuming you are not a physician, a mental health professional or a magician, you are powerless over this frustrating but very real behavior.

How to Stop Playing the Blame Game

Blame is a form of verbal abuse. Respond to it the same way you would respond if it were physical abuse. Squelch your natural desire to defend yourself or explain your behavior. Instead, protect yourself just as you would if the person had punched you in the stomach. Alcoholics typically use verbal abuse to control others. Do not argue back. Simply tell him to stop. Say things like “don’t talk to me that way” or “stop blaming me, you know better”. With a little humor, only if your alcoholic is sober at the time, you might be able to say “there you go blaming me again”.

This will not come easy at first, but if you can learn to emotionally detach from the situation and respond rather than react, you will eventually help him understand what he is doing. You can never fix the problem, because it is his to fix, but you can intercept the toxic cycle of the blame game. Whenever you attempt to explain yourself, it does more harm than good and perpetuates the toxic behavior.

Get Support for Yourself if You are Constantly Blamed

Al-Anon is a fellowship of men and women whose lives have been negatively impacted by alcoholism in a family member or friend. It is a twelve step program similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. There are no dues or fees for membership, and no matter what your situation might be, there are those who will have had the same or similar problems with alcoholics and alcoholism. Try a meeting, and you might find the peace and serenity you have been seeking as you live with an alcoholic.

You can find an Al-Anon meeting in your area by clicking here, and you can learn what happens in a typical meeting here. Get started in your own journey of recovery and don’t take blame that isn’t yours any more.

The copyright of the article Living With an Alcoholic Who Constantly Blames in Substance Abuse Recovery is owned by Marie Brannon. Permission to republish Living With an Alcoholic Who Constantly Blames in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.