If you live in a household where someone isolates himself and neglects important relationships, there are things you can do to minimize your own emotional pain.
Active drinker or not, most alcoholics have a tendency to behave in a self-absorbed, isolating manner. At home, they are often abrupt individuals without much patience and few listening skills. They neglect, fail, decline or refuse to participate in household activities. They often bury themselves in television programs, computer games or other distractions for hours on end, seemingly oblivious to the needs of others in the house.
Why Do Alcoholics Isolate Themselves?
According to Chapter Five of AA’s famous book, Alcoholics Anonymous, “… the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so.” This is a clue to the principal reason alcoholics tend to isolate – they don’t want other people interrupting their main purpose in life, which is self-gratification. This is a mental disorder and only one element in their many-faceted disease. They are not at fault.
Other reasons alcoholics isolate are fear of rejection, avoidance of anger, a need to live in denial, unwillingness to change and plain old emotional laziness. According to members of Al-Anon, alcoholics are expert at the art of rationalization and will steadfastly defend their choice to isolate, no matter how much it hurts another person or how reasonable an argument against it might be.
What Can Family Members Do About Isolation and Neglect?
Al-Anon Family Groups, a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problem, offers a program that can help family members who suffer emotional pain from an alcoholic’s isolating and neglectful behavior. Here is a very brief look at the Al-Anon program:
Learn the Three C’s: You Didn’t Cause It, You Can’t Cure it and You Can’t Control It
Since alcoholism is a family disease, it is important for family members to realize that they didn’t cause the alcoholic to isolate, they can’t cure it, and they can’t control it. They can, however, learn some coping skills that will help in their daily lives. Remember that an alcoholic is person who is mentally ill. Remind yourself daily, or hourly if necessary, that your loved one has a disease and you are powerless over it. You can’t fix it, no matter how hard you try or how “good” you are. It is impossible to “earn” the love or attention of an isolating alcoholic. Let that idea go – stop trying to manipulate the alcoholic and force solutions to the problem.
Develop an Attitude to Match the Facts
What can you do? You can accept the situation as a fact of your life and grieve that you didn’t get the fairy-tale life you had dreamed of. Pretend you live alone, if necessary, to remind yourself that you are a worthwhile person and are entitled to serenity in your own household. Stop doing things for the alcoholic that he is able to do for himself. Stop all manner of enabling behavior, including “walking on eggshells”. Al-Anon refers to this as “detaching with love”. Ask your Higher Power to help you see your situation differently and take it one day at a time. Your alcoholic will test your boundaries and your resolve many times, but if you keep the focus on yourself and stop the enabling, it will get better.
Go to Al-Anon Meetings and Work on Yourself
You can find an Al-Anon meeting in your area by clicking here, and you can learn what happens in a typical meeting here. No matter how bad your situation might be, there are people in Al-Anon who understand, and can help you get started in your own journey of recovery.
The copyright of the article Living With an Alcoholic Who Isolates in Substance Abuse Recovery is owned by Marie Brannon. Permission to republish Living With an Alcoholic Who Isolates in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
its hard and frustrating living with an alcoholic and at times you can
believe that they just have a tendency to be selfish. Ego centric i think
they call it . but i know that there is a road to recovery at least that
is what i am hoping for my partner that is i just have to gain a
better understanding. unconditional love.
Jul 5, 2009 7:40 PM
Guest :
I am married to an alcoholic. I love the man but hate the behavior. I am
trying to separate the two. My problem is I have two children from a
previous marriage, one is 16 and the other is 12...they hate that he drinks
and are well aware when he is "drunk." What does it say to them
if I stay in this situation? I don't want them to think it's
"okay" to be involved with someone with a drinking problem...As
much as I want to see this person change, it's been 6 years of going
through this and I am tired of it and tired of waiting for things to change
while my life twindles away...it's not fair to my kids and it's not fair to
me.
Jul 22, 2009 7:52 AM
Guest :
There is no happy ending living with an alcoholic. You will never be
living and always missing out on the life you should be living. You deserve
better GET OUT even find someone new at first to date to remind oh yeah
this is how a woman deserves to be treated. I was head over heals for a
alcoholic and in many ways still am. The disease took everything from me
heart soul spirit. I always was a very happy woman promoting happiness
everywhere I went. Now I'm a miserable woman trying to get myself back
fighting for my soul the longer your there the more they take until your so
weak you cant fight for you anymore. ver
Aug 1, 2009 11:32 PM
Guest :
I have only some pity for alcoholics. They are the ones who chose their way
of life and shove it in the face of others. Ive been with one for 15 years
so I know. Never ever let them get you down and never ever let them change
you or your ways, or your outlook on life. Ive learned more about myself
dealing with it and Im convinced there is nothing in this world I cannot
do. When our children reach 18 I wont hold back leaving anymore. They're
starting to get older now and are noticing the stupidness.
Aug 19, 2009 2:34 PM
Guest :
My X husband is an alcoholic, infact he walked out on me and our young
twins for another woman. I am not the first wife he has done this to. He
is not who I married, I guess now I mourn what we had and what I always
wanted. He says he is happy with her, and that I didn't do anything to
help him stop drinking, which is a load of crap. I guess my greatest fear
is that he will be with this woman forever, given his track record I doubt
it, but its hard to kn ow that he threw away his family and everything we
had for alcohol and someone who will drink with him. I"m no prude but
no way could I drink every night the way he did and abe able to properly
care for my babies and hold a job.
While he will always be the
father of my children, I have made it very clear that I will not keep them
from him but I will protect them from him. I tell people that my husband
died on January 21, 2008, that was the day he told me "I am done"
and walked out for her. He at that point was drinking 12 or more beers a
night, he claims he went to AA a couple of times and they told him two
things, a) he did not drink enough to warrant being there (I call BS on
this) and b) It was because of me he drank, I should have done something to
help him, and I did, my family offered to pay for his recovery, he told me
to go to hell, sober he told me alcohol was not the issue.
Its
sad the way things ended because it does not have to be this way.
Aug 20, 2009 9:13 AM
Guest :
Unconditional love is for children, not partners. Trying to gain a 'better
undersatnding' will just enable his drinking and wreck your head in the
process. Alcoholism is personal affliction and only that person has the
power to change it. Don't waste your life on someone who wouldn't do the
same for you...
Oct 25, 2009 4:37 AM
Guest :
6 months ago I ended a three year relationship with an alcoholic. I loved
him dearly but he was destroying me. He constantly criticized me and made
me feel unworthy. His insults were disgusting, filthy and demeaning and
totally crushed me. He is controlling and manipulative and right about
anything! Trying to reason with him and get him to see my point of view was
like beating my head against a brick wall. He was fired from a high paying
job because he could not get a security clearance. He was denied the
"clearance" because the judge felt he had made no effort to take
control of his alcohol problem. He is now working in a different state
having been unemployed for almost two years. I hope he is not drinking, but
doubt it, otherwise he will not be able to keep this job. I am sure it will
eventually become obvious to his employer he is becoming quite inebriated
as the day wears on. Not long after I met him I realized he keeps a bottle
of vodka stashed somewhere nearby wherever he goes, including filling
"water bottles" with vodka in order to feed his addiction. He
had so much potential and I would ask what happened in his life to cause
his addiction. He of course denies he is an alcoholic and said that he
does not belong in AA. He made me feel ugly and unattractive I knew I had
to leave for my own sanity. However, there are times I still miss him...the
good side of him but there is NO future with an alcoholic. I should know I
grew up in a "alcoholic" home and I watched the destruction from
the time I was very young. I chose not to go down that path and made that
decision at an early age. He blames me for the end of our relationship,
claiming it was "my many weaknesses and insecurities" that caused
it's demise and that I will never be loved like he loves me. I know better.
Nov 1, 2009 6:23 PM
Guest :
My step father (the only father I knew for many years) killed me
emotionally over 30 years ago. Yes, today I am still trying to figure out
how to just "let it go". I grew up in a home with constant
fighting. There were fights 6 out of 7 nights a week. I can remember
getting on my knees and praying at night, begging my God to just let us
make it through the night without a fight. It was so very hard for me to
understand why my mom picked HIM over my brother & I. So many times I
begged her to leave, she always said we would. But that never happened. I
have so many vivid memories of the continuous years of pain. My friends
never wanted to visit because the fights scared them too. I was afraid to
stay at a friend's because I believed that I was my mom's protector. I
really wasn't - but I did what I could do to save her from his beatings.
The pain of an alcoholic father has followed me through-out my
entire life. I wish I knew how to take control of my life. Although, I'm
an adult and I live in a different city the abuse somehow still manages to
imprison my tortured soul. No, my mom still hasn't left him. And through
the years the alcoholism has gotten progressively worse. I don't go home
to visit often - because just being in the same room with my dad puts me on
an emotional roller coaster ride.
...did I mention that my
step-father, the 30+ year alcoholic, the abuser, the liar, the manipulator
is a Pastor?
To the mom's who THINK that the alcoholism and
the abuse will not physically, mentally, and emotionally torture your
children...THINK AGAIN!! I attempted suicide twice as a teenager. As an
adult, I've been married twice - I've moved from one co-dependent
relationship to another. I've been in and out of counseling all of my adult
life still today I suffer from severe depression.
I haven't
stopped praying and believing that someday, the pain will go away. I just
know that today the hurt is still so very present in my life.
I’ve always had difficulties fitting into groups with others as a child and
as an adult. I was never really sure where I was supposed to be. By God’s
Grace, today I no longer live to please others I now live to please ME.
The emotional scares have pushed me completely away from men and into the
arms of a woman. I have never felt so completely SAFE and satisfied. She
is my best friend and my life partner. My prayer is that she will stand by
my side as I try to find the END to this difficult chapter.
May 5, 2009
