The Self-Absorbed and Self-Centered Alcoholic
In Relationships, Alcoholics are Often Unable to Focus on Others
Jun 3, 2009
Although there isn’t any such thing as a “typical” alcoholic, there are some common character traits that are shared by many victims of the disease. On page 62 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous we learn that “the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so.”
What can you do if you are faced with this problem in a family member or friend? No matter how badly your self-esteem has been damaged, you can begin now to regain your emotional balance and recover from the effects of someone else’s alcoholic selfishness.
Self-Absorbed Alcoholics Hurt Others Without Realizing It
An important part of learning how to cope with a self-absorbed alcoholic is to understand the disease. Al-Anon is a fellowship of individuals who are learning all they can about the disease and helping families of alcoholics find serenity. Thousand of people come to Al-Anon every year in search of answers, and most of them arrive feeling completely frustrated, hurt, angry, and demoralized because of someone else’s alcohol problem.
First of all, remember that the alcoholic is not at fault. He has a disease. This fact helps many people to stop reacting and taking this odd behavior personally. Alcoholism causes self-absorption just as surely as measles causes a rash or the flu causes body aches. You did not cause it, you can’t cure it, and you surely cannot control this disease.
Self-Centered Alcoholics are not Able to Enjoy Stable Relationships
Many alcoholics are highly intelligent individuals, successful in their careers and capable in many areas of life. They tend to have a peculiar mental quirk, however, when it comes to understanding the effect their self-centered behavior has on other people. They are not at fault. The disease of alcoholism is many-pronged.
Remember that alcoholics don’t enjoy their inability to maintain healthy relationships. They suffer from a mental disorder in addition to the well-known physical effects of their disease. Don’t preach or lecture an alcoholic about his relationships, but do seek personal validation from other relationships. Most alcoholics are simply not capable of meeting someone else’s emotional needs. Develop some outside interests and activities to compensate for the empty space an alcoholic leaves in your soul. Attend Al-Anon meetings, get a sponsor and get busy living your own life.
Selfish Alcoholics have Trouble with Spiritual Concepts
Al-Anon members learn that they are powerless over alcohol and that their lives have become unmanageable. They are also encouraged to find a Higher Power, or a God of their own understanding. Al-Anon is not a religious program, but Step Two states that members “came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Many have found that this Higher Power does for them what they cannot do for themselves when it comes to coping with a selfish alcoholic who ignores or isn’t capable of providing emotional support.
Remember that alcoholics are typically void of any spiritual depth. They have often tried to “play God” themselves, taking charge of their own lives (and the lives of others) only to be met with defeat and despair. Others completely reject the religious teachings of their childhood and flounder in a spiritual vacuum. Many are expert at rationalization and come to believe they don’t need or want any Higher Power.
Don’t try to force solutions by insisting that an alcoholic behave in a certain way. Let go of any need to educate, enlighten or teach any spiritual concepts. Instead, focus on your own contribution to the emotional atmosphere between you and the alcoholic. Learn to live by the words of the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept those things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.
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